Sunday, January 3, 2010

I am that person.

You know the person that goes to church, then cusses out the driver in the parking lot after service is over?

You know the person that smiles to your face, then badmouths you when you walk away?

Okay, maybe I'm not that person. I don't (hardly ever) cuss in the car, especially when the kids are with me.

And if I'm pissed at you, I'm not going to smile and tell you I'm fine. I will tell you that I'm pissed. And why. I may get all nervous inside, and feel like I'm going to vomit, but I'll tell you (I hate confrontation).

But today, I am that person. That mom that looks like she's got it all together, sitting with her kids in front of the church, smiling and shaking hands and listening to the sermon. Feeding her lovely little children lunch, tidying up the house, doing some laundry, printing out some pictures...Martha freaking Stewart, right?

Yeah, except for the part where I just completely lost my temper and screamed at Gabe over a broken Christmas toy (brand new only one week ago, now missing a tire and thus unable to function). I didn't just yell for a minute. I yelled and screamed for a full five minutes, sent him to his room, then proceeded to lecture him for five more mintues about how hard Joe and I work for our money and how I am not going to buy him any more toys. EVER.

Yep, mom of the year right there.

I could say it's because I'm pms-ing. I could say it's because I am craving some me-time, which has been non-existent during these last two weeks. I could blame it on the cold weather, and being cooped up inside with three restless kids and a computer-addicted husband.

But I'm going to be honest here. Right now, I am failing miserably at being the mom I want to be. I have zero patience. I am fuming. I want to leave this house and not come back. I want to go somewhere warm and lay on a beach and read a book and not hear the word "mom" for at least a week. I want to not feel guilty.

All I can say right now is thank God for grace. And forgiveness. Both His, and Gabe's. Because I know in a little while, I will settle down and I will let Gabe out of his room, and he will be just as sorry as I am. And we will cook some dinner, and put away laundry, and read some books, and work on his miniature house, and it will be fine. No grudges, no tears, just a broken toy that probably only cost $5 anyway.

Sigh.

That beach still sounds really good right now...

15 comments:

mama's smitten said...

Been there a time or two! Its hard but know your so not alone !

ChicagoLady said...

At least you recognize it, feel bad when you're like that, and look for some positives later. Some mothers don't see anything wrong with treating their children that way.

Kat said...

I will gladly join you on that beach. I think with mine being in my face for the past two weeks. The whining. The demands. The total lack of gratitude. It does grate on ones patience. It grates on mine!

Suzann said...

Hmmmm....
I had a couple moments like that today myself.
Can you say - BREAK OVER?
I left for a little while today and went to the spa.
It was only an hour, but there were none of my people.
Maybe we could start a club.

Rebecca Jo said...

I love your honesty... so many people love to pull on that face that they dont ever "loose it" - & we ALLLLLL do! What you are feeling - all part of being a mom - right? Only will make you an even BETTER mom in the future...

Shannon said...

A warm, sandy beach does sound fabulous right now. And not just because it's currently 23 degrees outside...

CaraBee said...

I was thinking something much the same today when my daughter kept running away from me at Macy's and after chasing her down and yanking her back more times than I care to say, I spanked her bottom. It was over the clothes and diaper and I'm sure didn't hurt her, but I don't want to be that mom that wails on her kids in public (or anywhere) and yet there I was. The bad mom.

I'll be right next to you on that beach.

Hot Tub Lizzy said...

Did you crawl in my head? Are we twins??

I yelled at Essie today for putting stickers on a calendar. They were calendar stickers. Seriously, what the heck was I thinking????

And too, could blame so many different things, but what it comes down to is my lack of self control and my stupid... whatever.

yeah... all that to say... i hear you sweetie!!!

Shelley said...

I think that we are all that person from time to time. And, this is just my opinion, but anyone who says they don't is either lying or they have a nanny. LOL. Lying on a beach reading a book sounds very good. I am with you on a computer addicted husband. I actually yelled through the house "Engage, won't you?" Like the mom on the incredibles. School starts back soon, hang in there.

Keeper of the Skies Wife said...

Girl- you still win Mom of the Year!!!

Trust me...been there done that! I have felt like the crappiest mother before...but like you said, Thank God for His grace & forgiveness and Gabes!!!

When they are all back in school....take a hot bubble bath and breathe.....
But...the beach does sound good...

brainella said...

Yeah, that patience thing gets stretched until it breaks. Doesn't matter what the trigger, it always happens. I'm amazed it doesn't happen more -- and you have three kids. My one is mostly too much for me some days!

Jen said...

Sweetie, I so feel you on this one. I am right there with you.

Just blame it on winter.

(((HUGS)))

Lula! said...

BEST POST EVER.

I love you. Thanks for being candid...honest...upfront. It's so rare these days.

Brandy said...

Ah shucks! Don't be so hard on yourself - you are human. We all lose our tempers or overreact to little things.

And if someone says they don't they are a liar. Or heavily medicated. :)

Just remember being a mother doesn't mean being perfect.

Angela said...

I agree with others. We are ALL like this sometimes. We all need forgiveness and, thank God, He provides that and enables us to forgive each other. I know my husband gets the raw side of my temper more than he should and more than I care to admit. Don't feel alone!