You know the person that goes to church, then cusses out the driver in the parking lot after service is over?
You know the person that smiles to your face, then badmouths you when you walk away?
Okay, maybe I'm not that person. I don't (hardly ever) cuss in the car, especially when the kids are with me.
And if I'm pissed at you, I'm not going to smile and tell you I'm fine. I will tell you that I'm pissed. And why. I may get all nervous inside, and feel like I'm going to vomit, but I'll tell you (I hate confrontation).
But today, I am that person. That mom that looks like she's got it all together, sitting with her kids in front of the church, smiling and shaking hands and listening to the sermon. Feeding her lovely little children lunch, tidying up the house, doing some laundry, printing out some pictures...Martha freaking Stewart, right?
Yeah, except for the part where I just completely lost my temper and screamed at Gabe over a broken Christmas toy (brand new only one week ago, now missing a tire and thus unable to function). I didn't just yell for a minute. I yelled and screamed for a full five minutes, sent him to his room, then proceeded to lecture him for five more mintues about how hard Joe and I work for our money and how I am not going to buy him any more toys. EVER.
Yep, mom of the year right there.
I could say it's because I'm pms-ing. I could say it's because I am craving some me-time, which has been non-existent during these last two weeks. I could blame it on the cold weather, and being cooped up inside with three restless kids and a computer-addicted husband.
But I'm going to be honest here. Right now, I am failing miserably at being the mom I want to be. I have zero patience. I am fuming. I want to leave this house and not come back. I want to go somewhere warm and lay on a beach and read a book and not hear the word "mom" for at least a week. I want to not feel guilty.
All I can say right now is thank God for grace. And forgiveness. Both His, and Gabe's. Because I know in a little while, I will settle down and I will let Gabe out of his room, and he will be just as sorry as I am. And we will cook some dinner, and put away laundry, and read some books, and work on his miniature house, and it will be fine. No grudges, no tears, just a broken toy that probably only cost $5 anyway.
That beach still sounds really good right now...